Is it the Hallmark Channel movies, the dread of the approaching holiday season, Sun in Scorpio filled with dark emotions, or is it Mercury Retrograde that has me reconsidering buying stock in the Puffs or Kleenex Company? Yes, to all the above…
With the completion of the Halloween season and my craving to watch the entire marathon of Disney’s Halloweentown whilst doling out six-tons of wrapped chocolate candy treats, wearing my Fox costume (yes, I dressed as one of my Power Animals), to a glut of enthused children; some gracious, most not, some obnoxiously entitled, mostly all adorable. I enjoy making the tots smile. I click on over to Hallmark’s Countdown to Christmas; two months and three channels filled with Christmas 24/7; ironic as my jade for the season would have one think that I am a total bah humbug Scrooge, which I am, but I secretly have an obsession with the romanticism of a repetitively themed Hallmark movie, giving me hope that I too could bump into a stranger and fall in love over the course of a short weekend. But, a big but that I forgot about, Mercury Retrograde, in Scorpio – the dark water demon, started on October 31st and that is why I am reminiscing; each passing day I am diving deeper in the depths of my buried emotions and memories.
I would love to see a show of hands on who is feeling this too!
It did not hit me mentally until I was halfway through a box of Puffs with lotion from the abysmal wealth of tears streaming down my face and the guttural howl of sobs that I had reached the point of no return in this Retrograde and I might as well take the dive ’cause I can’t halt the slide. I went to the dark place of my shadow. I started thinking of Christmas and my Golden Retriever that I bought my Mother for Christmas 2006, both now gone.
Triggers – the Hallmark Mother covertly adopted the scruffy shelter pup that her Hallmark daughter (f.k.a. Stephanie on Full House), raises the pup for a few weeks in her home for the big Christmas Eve surprise, to only discover that she, the Hallmark Mom fell in love with the scruffy shelter pup and cried when December 24th arrived. It sent me into the abyss of 2006 when I picked up a miniature horse of a Golden Retriever puppy, in torrential pouring rain, at night, one hundred miles away from home. I drove this scared and frightened pup home, on my lap, caressing, soothing and reassuring her that all would be well and she would be graciously loved the rest of her days. That drive and the weeks she spent with me learning how to navigate stairs, with me sitting on each stair and coaxing her to come down one at a time, to potty training, bathing, eating, treating, peeing and pooping and of course sleeping through the night; all leading up to the big Christmas Eve event of hiding in my own Mother’s home, with a blonde beauty donning a big red bow, me whispering in her ear her story of how I found and rescued her, trained her, only to give her away. I whispered to her “We will Always be Girls”… meaning, we will Always be girlfriends and bonded. The same words I whispered to her as she was passing in my garden last Summer; My Sugarplum Potts of Lawler – “We will Always be Girls”.
I had 12 wonderful years with her; a fourth of my life. I took her to the park every Saturday for my Mother and I spoiled her rotten with a new ball each week, new ribbons and bows, beds and babies; car rides and runs, we even had a favorite wrestling game called “Werewolf” – me yelling the magic word would have her play attack me like a Werewolf and it would scare the shit out of my Mom and our family, but they were only fake bites with loud growls; she and I would laugh and snort. I made sure she was always groomed and beautiful and took care of all her expenses. She spent half her time with me because We were Girls. Prior to my Mother’s passing, I promised, I made a vow, that I would continue to care for Sug until the end of her days and I did. I gave up the life and freedom that I was accustomed to; the life of a full-time dog owner. We grieved the loss of my Mother together. I was there for her, but she was also there for me. I probably developed a terrible and unhealthy dependence on this dog, but her depression never rose (probably because deep down inside neither did my own).
This is where Hunter Martin was discovered. A six week old black and gold Pomeranian pup enters the picture. I went and got Sugar her own baby. She was thrilled, she knew what I was telling her when I whispered into her ear ” Kimmie is going to get you a baby.” She went to the pet store and helped me pick out a new bed and all the accouterments a new puppy would require. Then I took a one hundred mile drive, in the opposite direction, in torrential pouring rain to rescue the pup that would become Sir Oy Throcken, Billy Bumbler of Mid-World (a Stephen King character from the Dark Tower series) and best known as OY. I began to whisper to him; the story of how I found him, rescued him and brought him home, to his Sugar Mamma, one hundred miles away, in the pouring torrential rain.
Oh the fun the three of us had; nearly six years of poop and pee, car rides and adventures. Most of all, I found my Tribe and we were all happy and I never wanted it to end. But it did, like all good things do.
I lost one to old age and the other to a broken heart. Sugar passed in her favorite place; my garden. Oy had served his purpose; that of being Sugar’s baby and he faded quickly despite his young age of six years and one month; six months after Sug’s passing. I whispered in his ear his story, of how we found him, rescued him and drove him home, one hundred miles in the pouring torrential rain and now he would be going home to his beloved Sugar Mamma forever, but he would always be my littlest and best boy; he passed in my arms.
I had been blindsided as my sunny, positivity and ardor for a good Retrograde; retreating, resting and relaxing in the plushness of my self-nurturing typically gets me through these three weeks unscathed. A few blips here and there with my electronics or some other wonky annoyance, but my senses are heightened this go around; and my elation for the repaired furnace quickly deflated within minutes of the Retrograde and the heater decided not to function and the temperatures plummeted; grin and bear it. Other scheduling faux pas and a stomach bug did not help. Exes ringing me up, out of the blue (so Mercury Retrograde) and other random old, worn out and discarded relationships writing that I have been missed have plunged me into the shadows of this Scorpio Mercury Retrograde and I float – I fall to my back and I float and allow.
“Clearing Your Shadow” -from astrologyhoroscopereadings:
You may want to look at each Mercury Retrograde cycle as a small wake up call and an opportunity to notice when you are caught up in the patterns of your shadow. It is then that we tend to be less conscious, and not as aware as we could be. Moreover, when we act from this place, we set ourselves up.
The Mercury Retrograde cycle is a good time for introspection and to become more aware of your own patterns. If you wish to take advantage of this time, you may find this book is very helpful in revealing the ways we become unconscious in our actions, and it gives clear practical steps to regain our integrity with our core. It comes highly recommended:
One way of looking at Mercury Retrograde is that it reveals the shadow or disowned component in our awareness, communication, and interaction with others and with the world around us.
Mercury rules the signs Gemini and Virgo. With Gemini, Mercury expresses the way that we reach out into our neighborhood, interact and discriminate. The shadow of Gemini is Sagittarius.
When Mercury is retrograde, it often expresses the negative or disowned nature of Sagittarius. When this happens, the tendency is to generalize, anticipate, gloss over, judge or assume, without reality checking.
The other expression of Mercury Retrograde is through the shadow of the sign Virgo. With Virgo, Mercury expresses the way that we integrate what we experience and how we make sense of the world around us through our mind. The shadow of Virgo is Pisces.
When Mercury is retrograde, often the negative or disowned nature of Pisces is expressed. We may think that someone else will do it, or we may imagine that things will turn out for ‘the best’ or we may imagine or hope instead of doing something for ourselves. Often the disowned nature of Pisces is revealed in our disconnection to our core and in seeking that connection outside of ourselves instead.
So, I am exactly where I am supposed to be. Some Retrogrades are easier than others ( I am not usually physically or emotionally effected) and so I will look at these shadows and will work to heal another layer of grief and loss.
I wrote this for several reasons. One, for You, the reader that may be feeling the same way that I am during this season and Retrograde (especially if you watch the Hallmark Channel and believe in the romance and magic of the season.) Two, to honor my beloved past; may their lives and stories forever stay alive through my blogs, and Three, for Me, for my heart, for my soul and for my shadow.
xoxo- Kim